My Heart Hasn’t Gone On

Today marks one year without my Indy. Words can’t describe how much I miss him. I think of Indy every single day. While I am grateful for the 12 years I got with him, it doesn’t mean that I can’t stand him not being right here with me now.

Sometimes, thinking of Indy is too hard. I still cry. Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night and I expect him to be right by my side. I even fool myself into thinking he will be waiting for me when I get home. But he isn’t there. The silence is painful.

I think it’s a bit of a taboo subject to talk about the death of a beloved animal. People don’t like to admit that it is so hard. After all, they are, “just an animal.” You can always get another pet and it’s not like it was a loss like a human. Well, I am not going to compare the death of my loved ones. Each has deeply affected me in different ways. Indy was never just a pet, and no, you can’t just get another one. I have other pets, but they do not replace Indy, nor should they ever be expected to. They are their own lovely beings and I love them very much. I am lucky to have them in my life.

Yet, part of me died right along with Indy that day. Quite frankly, a part of me gave up. When so much has already has gone wrong, and so many things have been taken away, this blow was just too hard to heal from. This is real grief due to losing my constant companion. This is what it is like to lose something so loving and pure, so funny, and happy. Some days, I still have trouble finding a reason to keep going because I miss him so much.

I don’t know what else to say, besides to my sweet Indy, I miss you. You were the best dog anyone could ask for. You were part of my soul. I try every day, but many days I fail. All I can do is hope I gave you the best life that I could. I wish I could have spent more time with you. I wish I was a better Dog Mom. I wish I could have given you a place to live where you could run free and be happy. If I’m lucky, I will see you again one day. Until then, my heart is left open but bleeding.